Everyday Inspiration, Day 4: A Story in a Single Image

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Hi…God. Dear God, I think that maybe it’s too late now to come to you. I don’t know what to say since it’s been a while since I last talked to you. I can’t even remember when that was. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’ve done to be stricken by an illness like this. Just like the wind, I know one day I will stop blowing but I hope my children will not feel my absence. Of course, they will. They will remember me when they stare at the lounging chair in front of the television. They will remember me when they see table tennis rackets and automobiles. They will remember me when somebody says something negative about their choice of changing their religion. They will remember me in courts of justice and black robes. They will remember me in weddings and ceremonies but I hope that I have loved them enough, God, for them not to forget me. For them to understand why I told them there were sharks in places where sharks had no access, why I told them that having a boyfriend is not a priority but I also insisted on my eldest child to have a boyfriend soon, why I wanted one of them to become a lawyer even if that was not her dream. I hope she sees and understands. I hope they forgive me for being a very strict father but they would understand why I was and now that they’re getting older, I hope to see the work that you and I have done with them. I want to see them live their lives with their husbands and children and that they are all genuinely happy in their respective homes. I hope their husbands will love them the way I love and took care of them. I may not have told you all this but I hope you’d give me that chance to see that they will all be okay without me.

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Everyday Inspiration, Day 3: Abundance

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It is only when you choose to step outside the walls that you experience the abundance of the place where you live in and eventually, you experience abundance within yourself. I felt this when my relationship was on the rocks. I went on a vacation with my sister to Baguio City and then with some friends to Zambales. When you are experiencing a heartbreak or heartache, allow your friends to step in and help you. Don’t handle the heartache alone because you’ll end up blaming yourself or thinking negatively about yourself. Instead, get out of the box and look at the world that’s around you. Regardless if you’re single or not, meet people. It is a chance to be once again, interested in the lives of others and not just one person. There is abundance in experience. There is abundance in nature. There is abundance in relationships. Think of this when you’re tired of giving all the time, when you’re tired of your job, when you’re simply tired. Maybe, you just need to take a break. Cut yourself some slack and experience abundance. The greatest abundance, of course, is in experiencing your God. This is a genuine kind of abundance that cannot be achieved within the walls of this world. When you feel that abundance, you can make better choices and decisions that will set you free.

Note: This picture was taken by the person who was the source of my heartache. 🙂

 

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Everyday Inspiration, Day Two: Write a List

I’m not done with my Everyday Inspiration Course yet so allow me. 🙂 Today’s task is:

Today, write your own list on one of these topics: (but I would like to write some things for all of these topics)

  • Things I Like
  • Things I’ve Learned
  • Things I Wish
  • Things You’re Good At

Things I Like

I like so many things! First of all, I like furry pet animals, most especially cats, but we have dogs at home. I like singing and playing my guitar. I like music in general. I listen to music when I work because it gives me focus and I become more productive. I like reading and how it takes you to places. I like getting lost when I am reading and thankfully, it also happens when I’m reading a law book but it isn’t that exciting as compared to reading scifi, novels or books for leisure. I like to travel, of course! I like to check the map of the places I’ve been to in the Philippines. For now, my finances 0nly permit me to travel within the Philippines and I am good with that. I think there is so much to discover in the Philippines and that I love my own country. I like talking with people who have been to many different places and have experienced different things in life. I like pastels! Staring at my mint green shoes make me so happy and looking at peach houses makes me wish I already had my own home that I can design. I like studying. I won’t lie. There are times that I feel lazy to study that is I guess, because it is labeled as studying and I have to study a certain amount for a certain day. You know, it feels like a task and sometimes I don’t see the fun in it anymore. But the good part when you are enrolled in a school is that it helps you keep track and get back on track. It’s more challenging to be studying at your own pace with no exams and no pressure. Think about the other things that you could be doing while you’re in the library. For a person like me who loves the outdoors, it’s rather difficult to stay in the room for long hours. Nonetheless, I do it. I have to do it. I have to make little sacrifices (they’re not little) in order to achieve something.

I like writing, of course. I wouldn’t be here if I had no likes for writing. I’d like to get better with it. Lastly, I love summer! I love the adventure, stories, bonfires, snorkels, nature, romance. I don’t like the hot weather though. Now that summer is ending, I have to refocus on my studies.

Things I’ve Learned

Eat when I’m hungry and as much as possible, don’t delay. I’m writing this in no specific order. This is important for me as I’ve learned that hunger really changes my mood and it affects my response to circumstances that occur within the period that I am hungry. If I suddenly get angry for no reason, it probably is because I am hungry.

Choose the relationships that you’d like to take care of. Honestly, you cannot maintain all of your relationships but as much as possible, try to keep in touch and initiate conversations with old friends. It’s better to choose the relationships you’d like to nurture and give your best in taking care of it. Be there on birthdays and send messages. Let the person know that no matter how long it’s been, he or she is still in your thoughts. Just know that you cannot maintain all of them. People come and go, right and we have all heard this. Make it a point to identify what is important for you and take care of it.

I’ve learned that sometimes, no matter how much you hate a person, you just have to shut up! Know who your real friends are. Not all people will like you. People will hate or be envious of you for what you have and for who you are. You are not meant to please everyone. Don’t worry, the good ones will stick around and they will be easily identifiable when the time comes. I used to always become emotional with friends and losing them or having fights with a friend used to be a big deal for me. At this age, I’ve learned that the person you call “friend”and who manages to talk behind your back does not give a shit about. You were just blinded by the common things and the time you had to share the common things. A real friend is concerned about you, your welfare and your reputation. In this life, your true friends can be counted with just your ten fingers.

Things I Wish

First thing that entered my mind is I wish I had a better relationship with my parents. I envy people I know who get to talk about their love lives so openly with their parents. I wish they were more open minded when it comes to their idea of success, happiness and love. I wish they talked more about their lives. I wish I get to know them better.

I wish I earned more so that I could travel some more. Then, I would be more inspired to write about getting lost in NY or dreading the taste of insects in China. For now, I’m happy travelling within my country. I know I will be able to do these things in the future.

I wish I took up ballet class when I was young. I love the gracefulness of ballet dancers and how they always seem to be slim always. Their costumes are cute and their dances are so pretty. I used to be a member of Hublag Dance Company when I was in first year College because I love dancing. Our genre was hiphop jazz. I am not very flexible and would’ve been had I taken up ballet classes. haha. If I have a daughter one day, I will let her enroll in a ballet class given that she would also want it. 🙂

I wish to get married someday with my love right now. Our relationship is not perfect but we are way past the stage of fighting over petty things and I believe that we can be put under one roof and it wouldn’t be that chaotic. We are, somehow, learning how to handle our finances, we both can cook, or maybe I can cook (haha), we can both drive a motorbike and a car and we are starting to pay for big things slowly. We are also improving our communication. I love his character and he loves my craziness. I hope one day, we will start paying for our house. It’s a long way to go though but I am not afraid. I worry sometimes but I just keep praying and working. We memorize each others’ body language and I know just when he’s pissed off or what pisses him off. We broke off and got back to each other. If I end up with him, I think it’s not going to be that bad. haha. Why am I not that positive about this? Because as I mentioned earlier, my hunger might just ruin everything! I’m kidding. I hope the universe will give us its favors. Please!

There are many things that I wish for but I think I will proceed to the next one…

Things I’m Good At

I’m good at writing (or ranting). I’d like to claim that this is me 🙂 that I could always write wherever I am and that I will always try to write. I’m good at reading body language. I am quite sensitive to the feelings of people and animals. I can feel when someone is very comfortable with me and when someone is just tolerating my presence. I think it is easy to feel when somebody is enjoying your company. I am good at tinkering things and creating home made things like magnets, bracelets, scrap books, etc. I’m good at interior designing. I didn’t take up any formal class in ID but I wrote for an interior design website for about a year and I had a crash course in ID. It is also among my interests that I’d like to develop more. I like designing houses in The Sims.

There goes my list! I like this idea. It measures how much you know yourself. 🙂

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Everyday Inspiration, Day One: I write because…

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      I am guilty of slacking this summer! I participated in this course so that I could have something to write about for EVERY day of the summer. I was wondering why I wasn’t receiving any emails from the course and I just found out 10 minutes ago that the emails were coming in but were classified under social and I only check my primary inbox. I’d like to begin with day one and catch up until day twelve but I promise myself that I will do this gradually and that I will stop when my brain’s dry. So let me begin with today’s prompt “I write because…”

First of all, I write because there are so many things in my mind. My mind is telling me to do this, do that, learn the guitar, the piano, the violin, skip class to go to places, don’t take a nap and do something else. There are so many things that I can think of and so little time to do it. There are a lot of things in my mind that I’d love to share with someone but then there isn’t enough time sometimes and finding the right person to spend time with to share all those thoughts is also, sometimes, a challenge. 😀

I write because it’s one of my hobbies. When I was young, I kept a blog in multiply. I had one in blogspot (for the purpose of my internship). I started blogging when I was in grade six, as far as I can remember. I would wake up at 5am to write. I was excited to use the PC because that time, I was only getting familiar with the internet and its wonders. I found the perfect venue to pour out my thoughts and I knew that I’d be doing it for a long time. I had several attempts of creating the perfect blog post. I was excited for people to read it and I wanted to see comments. I felt kilig everytime I see a comment. But in this goal of creating the perfect blog, I, somehow, felt discouraged and thought to myself that I wasn’t writing well, that the content of my blog was something I decently call content. I wasn’t content at all!

I write because I am an emotional person and sometimes, people cannot understand you when you are, so I’d rather write it.

I write because I believe this will be my legacy and I secretly love it when I am in people’s thoughts because I know I have a little place in their hearts and it will be through my writing that I will continue to dwell with them when I am gone. I hope that doesn’t creep you out. I want to stay, somehow, in the hearts of the people that I love.

Lastly, I write because I am a woman in love. It is well-established how emotional women are but those emotions are not awakened if they haven’t experienced love and I write it. I write now because back then, I was so afraid that people will judge me for who I am and for the things that I’ve done. I would write something real and I would delete it, afraid that people will not like it, that I haven’t written it well enough for people to not misinterpret it. I write because I have accepted the fact that not everyone will like me and that we are all free beings, free to express ourselves. Self-expression is something that we should all practice. We must learn to express ourselves in a medium appropriate and comfortable for us and we must not be afraid of the people around us.

 

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This is My Apology

I hate you.

I hate you for loving me so much that regardless of the many times I pushed you away, you’re still there.

I hate you for the times you followed me secretly to make sure that I’m okay, that I’m not getting drunk, because we both were hurting.

I hate you for making me experience doubts because you are imperfect, and I knew to myself how difficult it is to love me.

But then I understand now and four years are enough for me to write an apology

I’m sorry for making it difficult for you to love me when I said loving is simple

I’m sorry for making it even more complicated when you showed me that it can be simple

I’m sorry because there were times that I didn’t believe in you, in us

I’m sorry I looked for love elsewhere and sought other things, put you last…

and even now, I am not sure I will be your best future wife, even if you told me that.

Maybe, as my good friend said in her wedding vow, this is grace, God’s grace, and when it’s from God, it hits you right in the major artery, you can’t seem to say no to such a wonderful kind of love

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry for not seeing grace in you, for not considering you a blessing, for asking so much more, for not being content

I’m sorry but I promise to love you now, more, even better than tomorrow… 🙂

 

 

 

The Last

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It was 8pm. I was driving with a close friend, listening to her rants about the difficult exam she had just taken on Copyright Law. We were going  out because it was a Friday night and we both had exams that week. Somehow, we feel entitled to those little getaways, little rewards to get us through Law School. She’s been telling me how she wanted to already quit school. She’s got a kid and now, runs a restaurant with her younger sister and works at the Department of Agrarian Reform. Traffic. Chance encounter. There was you. Getting off the jeepney in front of my car. You walked across the street. We said hi and goodbye. If I had’nt left that lane, I would’ve been stuck in traffic until now.

 

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The Earth is a Drug

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Can you remember the time you first climbed a mountain? I recall visiting my grandfather at Mambucal with my family. Me and my sisters were allowed to climb the seventh falls and it was a piece of cake for me. There are seven falls in Mambucal resort and it takes about 20-45 minutes to get to the seventh falls, depending on your pace. The track is well-defined but some parts are really steep. I was excited, as a little girl, to climb the mountain and to get to see the falls. I can remember our uncles looking after us as we eagerly climbed the mountain. I enjoyed every moment of it. I can still remember how my orange slippers fell off  my feet and I had to grab it immediately before the current washed it away and I bumped by knees on a rock, I got a bruise but it didn’t discourage me at all. I was that excited little girl and I knew from the beginning that I would continue to love the water and mother nature itself. When we got to the seventh falls, I experienced my first nature high. The water seemed to have its scent which was attracting me and I had to take a dip. Ofcourse, papa was looking after us because it was deep. We were advised to stay near the rocks. I can remember the coldness of the water. That was my first nature high.

March 2016. It’s been two consecutive years now that I’ve been visiting my sister in Manila during summer. This is my little escape from my studies and life in Bacolod City, the province where we grew up. I am taking up law and as a law student, studying for three straight hours already feels like I’ve missed my monthsaries and important events in my life and of the lives of the people closest to me. It feels like swimming in texts and words. Yes, I don’t know if other law students feel the same way. As much as possible, I want my vacations to be vacations. When I’m in Manila, it gives me a sense of freedom. I also get to meet my closest College friends again and ofcourse, I get to bond with my younger, adventurous sister whom I think is my adventure partner, being a fellow-scorpion and a November baby. One of the highlights of my summer is our hiking at Mt. Ulap, Itogon, Benguet. I wasn’t prepared for such a hike. In fact, I refused the offer of my classmate to climb Mt. Mandalagan in Bacolod City because I learned that it is a four-hour hike and it has a difficult trail. I knew I couldn’t do it. I went on a journey with my sister to Baguio City with the intent of climbing Mt. Ulap but I didn’t do any reading about it as I relied on her knowledge that it is a beginner’s trail. Her friend, who was supposed to accompany her to the hike, backed out. Therefore, after assessing our financial capacities and without even considering my physical preparedness, we were already on a bus bound to Baguio City. I was also undergoing a break-up that time, or should I say I was in such a very confusing and challenging stage of my relationship so I wanted to do things that would get my  mind off of all the doubts that were in my head. True enough, as we were climbing Mt. Ulap, I focused more on just climbing and enjoying the hike, a little bit on counting the hours and motivating myself that I could finish the hike.

The commencement of the hike was already very challenging for me and I already wanted to tell Charisse (my sister) that I’ll just wait here. I wanted to ask our guide, Miriam, if they could just pretty please come back for me as I knew I couldn’t do it. But I shut my mouth and I tried to breathe, I thought of the money that we also payed for the  hike and of course, the experience. I continued, taking deep breaths and adjusting my pace according to my body, we had a lot of rest periods as our bags were really heavy (yes, we had our backpacks on as we were going to stay in Baguio overnight), but gratefully, we reached the first peak. The view from the first-picking was enough! We took some pictures and carried on. Reaching the second peak was more challenging than the first one, I started to feel my backpack dragging me and my body was starting to feel tired. I was already walking with very small steps and Miriam and Charisse were several feet away from me. They didn’t mind and I didn’t mind catching up either because I knew that what I was doing was the right choice if I didn’t want to pass out. haha. I had a heart condition when I was young. I also have a history of asthma (it’s no longer recurring since I decided to be more activee with physical activities). I knew I had to pace myself accordingly if I wanted to finish the hike. Finally, we we reached the second peak and we had some snacks. After a couple of minutes, we got back on track and halfway to the summit, Charisse and I took a rest and we were discerning whether we should pursue going up the summit or taking the short cut as the next few steps that we were about to take would entail a “No turning back”. We chose to traverse the mountain. Climb up the peak, then spend another two hours descending. We made up our minds because we both agreed that we will surely regret it if we left without reaching the summit. Char said, “What are we? Quitters?” haha. So we went and when Miriam finally pointed where the summit was and we realized it was only about fifty meters away, with all our strength, we climbed the track faster and we got there! We reached the summit. I was high with so much happiness in my heart because it was a milestone for me. I once told myself that I couldn’t perform strenuous activities because I am asthmatic. But there I was, at the peak of Mt. Ulap which was 1,846 masl. I’d love to create more milestones in my life in this beautiful earth! This is how you get high through self-effort and without the use of any drug 🙂

1st peak

The first peak

2nd peak

At the second peak

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