The Daily Post: Tricky

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Note: this post is one day late

While I was halfway through a paragraph on the page of EPL, (eat, pray, love) something was nudging me to stop reading and to grab my phone and start writing. Summer is soon over for me as I won’t have much free time (or let me say freedom) soon. I feel inspired by EPL (created that acronym for Eat, Pray, Love which I am reading now) to resume writing. I’ve been following WordPress for Writing101 but I guess there won’t be a writing course for this summer. I did participate in The Daily Post where a daily prompt is given and having participated, I’m supposed to write everyday using the word promt. These past few days, though, I haven’t had the motivation to write and gratefully, the mood has stricken today. 🙂 I love these moments!

Today’s prompt: tricky

Life gets trickier the more you grow up. Just like Elizabeth in EPL, she’s already in an after-divorce phase and her looking back makes me feel that I might be in her shoes one day. Hopefully, not.

During the holy week, my sister and I, with two close guy friends, went to Nagsasa cove for some peace and quiet. We didn’t exactly get that because it was a camp type of vacation, but it was great! It was a test of character, a situation we all consented to but did not prepare for. I was going through a break up and the cooking and preparation of the meals with my sister and friends made me forget that I was.

I went to Manila hoping all the activities and laughter would wash away any doubt and pain. At ten o’clock, after everyone has eaten dinner and the other campers were gathered around their bonfire, I went to the beach and sat on the shore, thought about things that were bothering me, and somehow, after shedding some tears, I felt better. I wanted to toss everything into the ocean but it kept on returning my thoughts and feelings to me saying “I’ll lessen your burden now but you should know I have to give these back to you. You  should face them and deal with them.” Somehow, just being by the ocean made me feel I wasn’t alone in what I’m facing and with fingers-crossed, I was also hoping to find some tiny bit of answers. Was I really going to call it four years of pretense and give up now?

It’s tricky. It’s tricky to even tell myself that I can still do this, that this is still workable, but in my heart, I knew I wouldn’t feel this burden if I knew my relationship isn’t workable anymore. I wouldn’t have any second thoughts and simply accept the fact that it’s over. I wanted this, now I was the one having doubts. There was something anchoring me to give my relationship a chance.

A chance for friendship, a chance for growth, a chance for realizations and to be better. I know my heart is screaming to not just throw the four years away. I told myself that my story isn’t going to be ordinary, that although it is challenging to see a ready-made, customized, hand-made future with him, I’m going to give him a chance because I don’t think there’s ever going to be a man who can take his place, for now, or so I think.

Well, people get tired, and when you’re again, at the point of having to start all over again, just thinking about it is already exhausting. It’s like having to restart a 5-hour hike to Mt. Ulap (a mountain my sister and I climbed in Benguet) and you’re already nearing the summit. What we went through wasn’t a joke. Those years were composed of fights, some insults from relatives, from myself to him, from my self to my own self, stolen trips, last minute preparation of gifts, letters, drama and my efforts to try and change my impatient attitude. It’s tricky when you’re already at the point of choosing to be single again and to meet awesome, single men, a chance to find a Mr. Perfect, the best human being in the world or to hang on to something which used to shine, used to be perfect! I tricked myself to give this a chance, that maybe if I tried to look at his eyes again, deeply, I would once again see his soul and look beyond what he hasn’t done. I tricked myself to see him smile more, allow him to make me smile again, that I may see how much he’s willing to give and to prove to myself that I can be loved and not failed.

This trick could work for sometime and if it does, then maybe he and I are bound to trick each other for the rest of our lives until we discover that love has already executed its strategies and has won over us. ❤️

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