Everyday Inspiration, Day One: I write because…

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      I am guilty of slacking this summer! I participated in this course so that I could have something to write about for EVERY day of the summer. I was wondering why I wasn’t receiving any emails from the course and I just found out 10 minutes ago that the emails were coming in but were classified under social and I only check my primary inbox. I’d like to begin with day one and catch up until day twelve but I promise myself that I will do this gradually and that I will stop when my brain’s dry. So let me begin with today’s prompt “I write because…”

First of all, I write because there are so many things in my mind. My mind is telling me to do this, do that, learn the guitar, the piano, the violin, skip class to go to places, don’t take a nap and do something else. There are so many things that I can think of and so little time to do it. There are a lot of things in my mind that I’d love to share with someone but then there isn’t enough time sometimes and finding the right person to spend time with to share all those thoughts is also, sometimes, a challenge. 😀

I write because it’s one of my hobbies. When I was young, I kept a blog in multiply. I had one in blogspot (for the purpose of my internship). I started blogging when I was in grade six, as far as I can remember. I would wake up at 5am to write. I was excited to use the PC because that time, I was only getting familiar with the internet and its wonders. I found the perfect venue to pour out my thoughts and I knew that I’d be doing it for a long time. I had several attempts of creating the perfect blog post. I was excited for people to read it and I wanted to see comments. I felt kilig everytime I see a comment. But in this goal of creating the perfect blog, I, somehow, felt discouraged and thought to myself that I wasn’t writing well, that the content of my blog was something I decently call content. I wasn’t content at all!

I write because I am an emotional person and sometimes, people cannot understand you when you are, so I’d rather write it.

I write because I believe this will be my legacy and I secretly love it when I am in people’s thoughts because I know I have a little place in their hearts and it will be through my writing that I will continue to dwell with them when I am gone. I hope that doesn’t creep you out. I want to stay, somehow, in the hearts of the people that I love.

Lastly, I write because I am a woman in love. It is well-established how emotional women are but those emotions are not awakened if they haven’t experienced love and I write it. I write now because back then, I was so afraid that people will judge me for who I am and for the things that I’ve done. I would write something real and I would delete it, afraid that people will not like it, that I haven’t written it well enough for people to not misinterpret it. I write because I have accepted the fact that not everyone will like me and that we are all free beings, free to express ourselves. Self-expression is something that we should all practice. We must learn to express ourselves in a medium appropriate and comfortable for us and we must not be afraid of the people around us.

 

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This is My Apology

I hate you.

I hate you for loving me so much that regardless of the many times I pushed you away, you’re still there.

I hate you for the times you followed me secretly to make sure that I’m okay, that I’m not getting drunk, because we both were hurting.

I hate you for making me experience doubts because you are imperfect, and I knew to myself how difficult it is to love me.

But then I understand now and four years are enough for me to write an apology

I’m sorry for making it difficult for you to love me when I said loving is simple

I’m sorry for making it even more complicated when you showed me that it can be simple

I’m sorry because there were times that I didn’t believe in you, in us

I’m sorry I looked for love elsewhere and sought other things, put you last…

and even now, I am not sure I will be your best future wife, even if you told me that.

Maybe, as my good friend said in her wedding vow, this is grace, God’s grace, and when it’s from God, it hits you right in the major artery, you can’t seem to say no to such a wonderful kind of love

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry for not seeing grace in you, for not considering you a blessing, for asking so much more, for not being content

I’m sorry but I promise to love you now, more, even better than tomorrow… 🙂

 

 

 

The Last

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It was 8pm. I was driving with a close friend, listening to her rants about the difficult exam she had just taken on Copyright Law. We were going  out because it was a Friday night and we both had exams that week. Somehow, we feel entitled to those little getaways, little rewards to get us through Law School. She’s been telling me how she wanted to already quit school. She’s got a kid and now, runs a restaurant with her younger sister and works at the Department of Agrarian Reform. Traffic. Chance encounter. There was you. Getting off the jeepney in front of my car. You walked across the street. We said hi and goodbye. If I had’nt left that lane, I would’ve been stuck in traffic until now.

 

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The Earth is a Drug

Mt ulap

Can you remember the time you first climbed a mountain? I recall visiting my grandfather at Mambucal with my family. Me and my sisters were allowed to climb the seventh falls and it was a piece of cake for me. There are seven falls in Mambucal resort and it takes about 20-45 minutes to get to the seventh falls, depending on your pace. The track is well-defined but some parts are really steep. I was excited, as a little girl, to climb the mountain and to get to see the falls. I can remember our uncles looking after us as we eagerly climbed the mountain. I enjoyed every moment of it. I can still remember how my orange slippers fell off  my feet and I had to grab it immediately before the current washed it away and I bumped by knees on a rock, I got a bruise but it didn’t discourage me at all. I was that excited little girl and I knew from the beginning that I would continue to love the water and mother nature itself. When we got to the seventh falls, I experienced my first nature high. The water seemed to have its scent which was attracting me and I had to take a dip. Ofcourse, papa was looking after us because it was deep. We were advised to stay near the rocks. I can remember the coldness of the water. That was my first nature high.

March 2016. It’s been two consecutive years now that I’ve been visiting my sister in Manila during summer. This is my little escape from my studies and life in Bacolod City, the province where we grew up. I am taking up law and as a law student, studying for three straight hours already feels like I’ve missed my monthsaries and important events in my life and of the lives of the people closest to me. It feels like swimming in texts and words. Yes, I don’t know if other law students feel the same way. As much as possible, I want my vacations to be vacations. When I’m in Manila, it gives me a sense of freedom. I also get to meet my closest College friends again and ofcourse, I get to bond with my younger, adventurous sister whom I think is my adventure partner, being a fellow-scorpion and a November baby. One of the highlights of my summer is our hiking at Mt. Ulap, Itogon, Benguet. I wasn’t prepared for such a hike. In fact, I refused the offer of my classmate to climb Mt. Mandalagan in Bacolod City because I learned that it is a four-hour hike and it has a difficult trail. I knew I couldn’t do it. I went on a journey with my sister to Baguio City with the intent of climbing Mt. Ulap but I didn’t do any reading about it as I relied on her knowledge that it is a beginner’s trail. Her friend, who was supposed to accompany her to the hike, backed out. Therefore, after assessing our financial capacities and without even considering my physical preparedness, we were already on a bus bound to Baguio City. I was also undergoing a break-up that time, or should I say I was in such a very confusing and challenging stage of my relationship so I wanted to do things that would get my  mind off of all the doubts that were in my head. True enough, as we were climbing Mt. Ulap, I focused more on just climbing and enjoying the hike, a little bit on counting the hours and motivating myself that I could finish the hike.

The commencement of the hike was already very challenging for me and I already wanted to tell Charisse (my sister) that I’ll just wait here. I wanted to ask our guide, Miriam, if they could just pretty please come back for me as I knew I couldn’t do it. But I shut my mouth and I tried to breathe, I thought of the money that we also payed for the  hike and of course, the experience. I continued, taking deep breaths and adjusting my pace according to my body, we had a lot of rest periods as our bags were really heavy (yes, we had our backpacks on as we were going to stay in Baguio overnight), but gratefully, we reached the first peak. The view from the first-picking was enough! We took some pictures and carried on. Reaching the second peak was more challenging than the first one, I started to feel my backpack dragging me and my body was starting to feel tired. I was already walking with very small steps and Miriam and Charisse were several feet away from me. They didn’t mind and I didn’t mind catching up either because I knew that what I was doing was the right choice if I didn’t want to pass out. haha. I had a heart condition when I was young. I also have a history of asthma (it’s no longer recurring since I decided to be more activee with physical activities). I knew I had to pace myself accordingly if I wanted to finish the hike. Finally, we we reached the second peak and we had some snacks. After a couple of minutes, we got back on track and halfway to the summit, Charisse and I took a rest and we were discerning whether we should pursue going up the summit or taking the short cut as the next few steps that we were about to take would entail a “No turning back”. We chose to traverse the mountain. Climb up the peak, then spend another two hours descending. We made up our minds because we both agreed that we will surely regret it if we left without reaching the summit. Char said, “What are we? Quitters?” haha. So we went and when Miriam finally pointed where the summit was and we realized it was only about fifty meters away, with all our strength, we climbed the track faster and we got there! We reached the summit. I was high with so much happiness in my heart because it was a milestone for me. I once told myself that I couldn’t perform strenuous activities because I am asthmatic. But there I was, at the peak of Mt. Ulap which was 1,846 masl. I’d love to create more milestones in my life in this beautiful earth! This is how you get high through self-effort and without the use of any drug 🙂

1st peak

The first peak

2nd peak

At the second peak

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One Day on the Beach

One day, we’ll meet again

On the white, tongue-shaped bar of Sagay City

We’ll hold our hands as we stroll the shores

and look down as our footprints are left on the sand

We’ll kick off our flipflops off and run

wear our goggles together and dive into the water

and search for the glowing green fish

We’ll love again like yesterday,

laugh for the mistakes that we’ll get over tomorrow

build our castle and jump to the future

but for now, let’s build sand castles on this Beach.

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